When asking relatives for information, there are some additional things to remember when the possibility of scandal comes up.

It May Not Be True at All
A co-worker of mine initially met with some resistance from her father when asking for family information. The researcher got the impression from her father that there was something "scandalous" in her father's mother's past. Her father offered no specifics and suggested she stop her research. (This did nothing to dissuade her; frankly, the daughter was past 40, and the father should have learned long ago that his suggestion was only going to spur her on).

The researcher found some information on this grandmother from old newspapers—nothing scandalous and all very interesting. The grandmother was mentioned favorably in various social columns, and records of her high school graduation were also located. The co- worker mentioned this to her father, but he still was concerned. She told him there was nothing "shady" in his mother's past, and after a little convincing, she got her father to look at the information. After reading the items, he admitted that his daughter was right and that his "fear" of what she might find out had been lessened. Sometimes people are just afraid of what they don't know.

The "scandal" (if there was one) was likely based on the fact that the grandmother's parents died relatively young in the 1880s, and the grandmother had been raised by her aunt. But unless there was something more to her parents' death, there appears to be nothing unusual. It is important to remember that details of an event may have been forgotten after a hundred years, and family members who have forgotten details may assume there's "more" to something than there actually is. Of course, one need also remember that there may be additional unrecorded details of the family situation that could explain the belief in a "scandal." If this is the case, the "scandal" may never actually be uncovered.

This was not be the first time I have seen a "scandal" created simply by the fact that one parent died and the surviving parent remarried, or that both parents died and the child was raised by relatives or strangers. There is no doubt that in some cases, the resulting family situation was stressful. It is also possible that if the events happened when the "focus person" was a small child, the details might not be remembered correctly. Children do not always get all the facts straight.

They Did Not Want to Talk about It
The situation might also have been such that the death of a parent was so upsetting to the remaining parent that no one in the family could discuss it. Adults can understand why this might be the case. Children, on the other hand, may interpret the lack of discussion as something more. They may carry these beliefs through their lives and pass them on to future generations. Once in a while, a scandal arises out of nothing at all or out of an unwillingness or an inability of past family members to discuss a traumatic event.

Don't Be Judge or Jury
In any situation, it's unfair to negatively judge the dead unless there is some evidence or "proof" of the scandal. Even if our ancestor's actions are "questionable" by our standards, it is necessary to remember that most of our ancestors lived in a different time and a different culture than we do now. Their childhood may have been very different from ours. Their level of education and understanding of the world may also have been very limited. The view our ancestors had of the world was different from ours—significantly different—because their world was significantly different from ours. Sometimes hard times make difficult choices even more difficult. This does not mean we have to like or condone what they did. Nor may we even be able to understand it.

Is It Too Recent and Too Painful?
If the event is from the recent past, family members may be hesitant to discuss it, not out of a fear of the truth, but rather out of a desire to leave the pain of the past alone. This situation is significantly more difficult and one in which the researcher must tread very carefully.

More common than scandals are those who experienced wartime military service. Many people whose fathers or grandfathers fought in World War II have heard only few a stories about the war; I rarely heard any of my three great-uncles discuss their war service. In many cases, the memories were too painful, too raw, and too emotional. They had nothing to hide, but they were not interested in reliving a painful part of their history.

While not all our family skeletons are this violent, they can easily be traumatic and emotional for those who lived through them. The surviving family members may not have completely "dealt" with the event themselves and may be reluctant to discuss it openly. For the genealogist, this can be extremely frustrating. However, it is important to keep this reason for reluctance in mind. Some family members may feel they have gotten "on" with their life and do not wish to bring up the past. Others may believe (correctly or incorrectly) that knowing the "scandal" really won't help you learn any family history or that what they do know may even allow you to uncover even worse things. There may be a fear that you will "blab" all the details for the world to hear. There may also be embarrassment over what previous family members did.

There's not a lot you can do to overcome these opinions. It is frustrating; it is aggravating. (My family has its own skeletons that no one wants to tell me about, too.) But here are some strategies for approaching the situation:

When Interviewing
Decide beforehand if you will press for details of scandals. Remind the person that your goal is not to broadcast these details to the world at large. Remember the interviewee's feelings, especially if he or she endured the scandal firsthand.

When Compiling Your Information
Carefully consider which bits of sensitive information you share with others. If your computer allows you to have "private" notes, make certain you know EXACTLY how to use them.

Remember Yourself
Once you have shared a family secret with the world, it is very difficult to "unshare" it. So think about the repercussions of telling before you tell.

Buy Michael a Doghouse?
One correspondent offered to buy me a doghouse for Christmas ("'cuz if your family reads what you write, you'll need one"). Yes, I've mentioned some family "scandals" in the Ancestry Daily News, but I have refrained from mentioning some of the "nastier" stories I have uncovered. Those wanting to learn more about such stories in their own families may wish to consider utilizing court papers and newspapers. These records are an excellent source of information when family members are unable or unwilling to share information. But they are not a cure-all, unfortunately.

Michael John Neill, is the Course I Coordinator at the Genealogical Institute of Mid America (GIMA) held annually in Springfield, Illinois, and is also on the faculty of Carl Sandburg College in Galesburg, Illinois. Michael is the Web columnist for the FGS FORUM and is on the editorial board of the Illinois State Genealogical Society Quarterly. He conducts seminars and lectures on a wide variety of genealogical and computer topics and contributes to several genealogical publications, including Ancestry Magazine and Genealogical Computing. You can e-mail him at mneill@asc.csc.cc.il.us or visit his Web site.

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