Since I have been researching my own family for many years, my students often ask me how far back I have traced my own ancestors. I sometimes reply, “All the way back to Adam.” Then I pause a few seconds and continue, “Adam Sperry born in Peoria, Illinois, in 1800.”

Someone once wrote to me and asked, “Why is it, Mr. Sperry, that you have not yet found my backward ancestors.”

Someone researching LDS ancestors wrote, “Can you please help me? Our second great-grandfather was found dead crossing the plains in the library.”

Someone wrote and said, “I’m interested in tracing part of my family tree—my mother’s and father’s side only.”

Another person wrote, “Please send me some record and document on where I came from and how.”

Another interesting letter reads, “My ancestor came over on the Mayflower and he was also one of the signers of the Declaration of Independence.”

Someone telephoned a library and asked the librarian if she could find her ancestors in the microwave [what she really meant was the microfilm].

Newspapers
Notices in newspapers can sometimes provide researchers with humor:

“This afternoon there will be a meeting in the north and south ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.”

“The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will quietly start and the rest of the congregation will join in.”

“This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Sister Smith to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.”

I saw a newspaper headline that read “Couple Married in Cement.” Now, I know that people have gotten married jumping from an airplane and in other interesting places. But married in cement? In reading the article further I discovered the couple was married in Cement (Caddo County), Oklahoma.

Letters to Libraries
Librarians often receive humorous letters and telephone requests. A few examples are:

“Do you have anything on the Looney family, because I am a Looney too.”

“Would you please send me a list of all the Dripps in your library?”

“My grandfather died at the age of three.”

“I am mailing to you my aunt and uncle and three of their children.”

“I’ve been looking for Grandpa for over twenty years. Do you have him there in your library?”

“I am sorry we have not got complete families. The trouble is here is extracting the children from the minister.”

“Enclosed please find my grandmother. I have worked on her for over fifty years without success. Now see what you can do.”

“I am forwarding my marriage certificate and three children, one of which is a mistake, as you can see.”

“The wife of Amos Smith could not be found. Someone suggested to me that she might have been stillborn. What do you think?”

“Do you keep a record of branded cattle? I’m trying to find my grandfather.”

“Could you please tell me on which row in the library my ancestors are located on?”

“Dear whoever you are: I would like to know the person who married John Felshaw and Frances Croft. Please send me the person soon.”

“I have been told that for $10.00 you can trace my ancestry all the way back to the year one.”

“Please run down the Wheelers and I will send three more dollars.”

“We are sending you five children in a separate envelope.”

“Further research will be necessary to eliminate one of the parents.”

“I would like to find out if I have any living relatives, or dead relatives, or ancestors in my family.”

“Please send me my genealogy back to Noah, and when will the Flood records be online?”

“Please send me everything you have on the Smith family. I want to include it on my Web site.”

Gravestone Humor
Humor can sometimes be found in epitaphs on American gravestones:

“Here lies an Atheist, all dressd up, and no place to go.”

“Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake, Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.”

“Here I lies, and no wonder I’m dead. For the wheel of a wagon went over my head.”

“Here is Owen Moore. Gone away owin’ more than he could pay.”

“On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.”

“Tears cannot restore my wife. Therefore I weep.”

“I told you I was sick.”

“Here lies my wife, here let her lie. Now she’s at rest, and so am I.”

“Here lies Lester Moore. Shot in the back with a .44. No Les no more.”

Other Humor
A sign seen in a cafe in Crete, Nebraska, home of citizens of Czech ancestry: “We accept out-of-town Czechs.”

A story was seen in a compiled genealogy which explained how the author's ancestor was hung as a horse thief: “My great-grandfather was attending a public exhibition when the platform on which he was standing collapsed and he broke his neck.”

An author of a new genealogy used this statement to show that his grandfather, Henry, was executed in the electric chair: “Henry occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock.”

The comprehensive two-volume, one-thousand-page local history for the county where your ancestors lived is not indexed.

An attorney reading a person’s last will and testament: “And to my nephew, Harold, who wanted me to remember him in my will. He is five feet ten and weighs one-hundred and sixty-five pounds.”

You can always tell a family historian. A family historian carries more pictures of gravestones than his own children. A family historian is one who writes 1701 or 1801 on his checks, instead of 2001.

A mother speaking to her small children: “Your father and I would like for you to introduce us to your friends as your parents, rather than as your ancestors.”

Source of information in a genealogy: “Family Bible in possession of William Smith till he died, then in possession of Harold Webb till he died, then in possession of Aunt Doris until the tornado hit Fredonia, Kansas. Now only the Lord knows where it is.”

And, of course, "Old genealogists never die. They just lose their census."

Kip Sperry is an associate professor of family history at Brigham Young University, Provo, Utah.